TRIGGER WARNING: This post mentions body image, disordered eating and self-harm. Please read on with caution.I’ve had image problems as long as I can remember. I was only 5 years old when I started sucking in my stomach when my mother was taking measurements for clothes. I remember her saying, “Stop sucking in your stomach.” I replied, “I’m not.”
I was only 11 years old when I decided to no longer eat lunch at school. I would throw my sack lunch away. No one questioned it. By that time, I wasn’t eating breakfast too. Nobody questioned that either.
I’ve always been a bigger person. I was a fat baby, fat toddler, fat child, pre-teen, teenager, and now adult.
The only diets I had ever been on were ones that restricted and starved my body. I believe I starved myself on and off for at least 5 years or so. I became obsessed with hunger pangs. They would always happen by 3rd period when I was in my math class. They say hunger pangs lasted for 7 minutes, and I used to embrace every minute regardless of the pain.
I used to believe I deserved pain. I would bruise myself by punching my arms because I knew I bruised easily. That would be my excuse too, that I bruise “easily”. I used to bruise all the time as a child when I’d play outside, so of course people would believe now, right? They did.
It wasn’t until I was a senior in high-school that I realized I didn’t deserve any pain. I did not deserve shit from anybody. I realized my worth and value, personally, when I went through my first breakup. My first relationship was abusive to me mentally and emotionally. I was tired of the pain. I don’t know why it was through this person I realized my worth, but it was. I went through hell for them and with them just to be hurt in return.
People didn’t think I had a disorder because I am a fat person, but that is one thing you need to fix in your mind. Don’t be ignorant. Eating disorders are a mental illness and can happen to anyone, any gender at any size. Not every fat person binges, some did what I did and starved themselves instead. Not every skinny person starves either, some binge. You never know, so do not just assume.
I used to write everything I ate down. I used to prefer only 500 calories, my own health teacher even told me I was starving myself. She only said that comment, however, she did not have a conversation with me about any of it.
I didn’t starve myself to become smaller, however. It was never completely about numbers, it was more about a look. It’s the look everyone tries to go for, but should never achieve because it will not bring you happiness. My schooling life were some of the darkest times of my life, and that was all because of my mental state.
Again, I thought I deserved all the pain, so I brought pain onto myself. It wasn’t until someone else brought pain to me, that I realized I did not deserve it. It was not until someone hurt me, the way I hurt myself, that I realized I did not want to stand with it. It’s not the same for everyone, this is just my personal experience of finding my own worth. Dropping toxic relationships saved my life. Dropping toxic people, made me realize I never wanted to feel that kind of pain again. It was a choice I made for myself. I finally put myself first. I had never put myself first before, and I haven’t stopped since then.
This isn’t an easy story for me to tell. I’ve been clean from it all for 2 years now, so yes I am vague with my story for now. One day I will find all the strength to sing my song and fully share my story, but for now I will only spread body positivity.
I learned bout body positivity through my senior year of high school. I saw Tess Holiday on the cover of People Magazine and was memorized. I could not believe a size 22 woman was on the cover of a magazine and she looked absolutely gorgeous! I went on and read her story, then I found a Facebook story on Megan Jayne Crabbe’s anorexia recovery. I felt even more inspired because she is about my size and I found her so beautiful. I thought, “We’re about the same size. How come I find so much beauty in her, but not within myself?” I went on to read Megan’s first book Body Positive Power: How to Stop dieting, make peace with your body and live. That book changed my life and probably saved my life from another relapse. I have not relapsed since the end of 2017.
I started to unfollow people that made me feel bad, and started following people that made me feel good and inspired me. I followed people that were diverse, and embraced fully who they are. I started following beautiful humans like Jazzmyne, Chidera Eggerue, Anna O’Brien, Michelle Elman, Jameela Jamil, La’shaunae, and Florence Given. These humans have all helped me on my self-love, body positive journey. Each one of them is unapologetically themselves, they are each beautiful, and I adore them all, and many more humans that I follow.
Right after I graduated high school in 2018, the show (based off of a book) Dietland started. I was obsessed with the story line in which the main character, Plum, who’s been into dieting and wanting to lose weight, suddenly realizes she deserves love, respect, to dress however she feels and to not restrict herself. Plum becomes this badass woman that starts to find her individuality from what society has forced her to feel and think. Sadly the show was canceled after one season, but it was an amazing show with a brilliant topic we all need to talk about which is: fatphobia.
A lot of people are terrified to gain weight, or to eat what their body wants, or to even just live their own life. I’m here to tell you something I never would have said 5 years ago:
Being fat is ok. Gaining weight, or losing weight naturally, is ok. Your body is meant to change. Your body should enjoy food because that is how you survive. Being fat does not always mean being unhealthy. Someones size or health does NOT determine the respect and love they deserve. You can be overweight and be healthy. Some people don’t have the choice if they are overweight or thinner, genetics come in, illnesses and diseases come in, and sometimes people are just supposed to be big. There is supposed to be diversity in this world. Not everyone is supposed to be skinny and the same size, just like not everyone should be white or be a man running the world. You can be any shape, size, color, gender, and rule this fucking world.
So to my body, I am so sorry for the hell I put you through. I am so sorry for being against you when all you tried to do was save me and be there for me. All you ever did was let me be alive. I am so sorry for hurting you all those years, but now I accept you. I accept all your flaws because to me, you are enough. You are my beauty. I no longer care for a smaller size, or the look. You are the look that was meant for me this entire time. I accept you. My body, I am so sorry. To my body, I love you.
What matters the most is if YOU are happy with yourself. It does not matter what people think, because people are always gonna have opinions no matter what. What I say to people that try to tell me what size my body should be is this: Get a damn hobby.
I have beauty marks
In places of my body
And there are new ones
that have just appeared
At first it was shameful
and i felt sick to the touch
but now I’ve realized
that enough is enough
To my body,
I am so sorry
for the hatred, for the judgement
and abuse towards you
To my body,
I am so sorry
I wouldn’t let anybody hurt you.
So why’d I do that to you?
I now have PCOS
thanks to a societal view
to my daughter,
to my son,
I’m sorry that I can’t carry you.
The damage that I’ve done
was not a good life to live.
I have bruised you,
You have starved
And still we live.
All you’ve ever done was love me …
All you’ve ever done
is kept me alive
I tried and tried to tear you apart
But you’ve proved me wrong
cause you’ve been there for me since the start
To my body, I am so sorry …
You were never the evil
Evil is society’s lies
And I’m so sorry
I restricted you from life
And now I’m here to tell you
I accept you in mine …